After our miscarriage I felt inadequate - after all, my body was built for pregnancy and here I was, not able to fulfill this seemingly simple task.
I was feeling a range of emotions. The disbelief, confusion, uncertainty of being able to conceive again. Then, three months later we decided to try again—and were successful.
I was so relieved and grateful that it didn’t take long for us to embark on yet another journey. But with this pregnancy, though, I’m far more cautious, not just of the potential pitfalls but cautious of any potential heartbreak.
It was difficult to make that initial connection - to bond with our growing baby.
Every appointment (especially for the first 2 trimesters) was filled with anxiety but every reassurance from our doctor came with a sense of relief. It truly lighted the load we felt on our shoulders because it meant that there was hope and every appointment brings us closer to seeing our baby.
So how does one possibly move on after this type of loss?
Pregnancy after loss is not easy and truthfully if you've experienced it, you might not get to enjoy your subsequent pregnancy like those who have not experienced this type of loss.
But of course, every pregnancy is different and every couple heals differently.
For us to move forward - it helped to understand the statistics and educated ourselves on the topic of miscarriage. Know that:
Most women go on to have healthy pregnancies after experiencing one miscarriage
Around 1 in 100 women experience two or more miscarriages back-to-back.
You cannot necessarily prevent miscarriage.
Regardless of what you might read or what others may say - take your time and give yourself some grace.
Where are we now?
Now, in our 3rd trimester and with each passing week we are more at ease and certainly enjoying this journey with each passing week.
Our assurances aren't tied to monthly checkups but rather the movement of our baby. Every bump, nudge (and slightly dramatic punch to the guts) lets us know that our baby continues to grow and that, at least for now, everything’s okay.
Remember: Pregnancy after loss can be tough but brave and there is absolutely no right or wrong way to feel about your pregnancy after you have experienced such a loss.
This rainbow baby, is indeed proof that once we allow ourselves too, we can certainly overcome the fear that we might feel.
There is hope.